The nuisance that is Cupid

Crimes of cupid
Photo by Alex Green on Pexels.com

Lockdown had just been lifted, and they were finally on the romantic date they had been planning for months during Covid19 till he got a call from his wife demanding for milk for the newly born baby. Cupid did it again.

According to myth, Cupid was the son of Mercury, the winged messenger of the gods, and Venus, the goddess of love; something that peaked almost a decade ago. For a Ugandan, he is the person you blame for all your unfruitful encounters with the opposite gender.

With Gen Z trying to break every norm and stand out, cross generational relationships are on the rise, moving from transactional sexual encounters to some celebrities going as far as having cross generational marriages. Whether you consider them publicity stunts or romanticize the idea, the fact is that it’s happening even as we speak. But what happens if your happy ever after is short-lived, and you’re stuck at forest mall with no ride home because Cupid was drunk while shooting his bows?

Cupid does not end there. He goes as far as sending you in laws that meddle in your marriage with no etiquette whatsoever. His most profound crime being his ability to shatter the cycle of finding and sustaining relationships. Honor systems have been damned, love is now a transactional affair and unfortunately, the thrill among the Gen Z community. “Why wait for marriage when you could test the person’s abilities now and move on to the next person when things don’t work out?”, you’ll hear people say.

According to a study by HiLL, “People need to split and continue further with their lives. Data shows that in Uganda, this happens at least 370,000 times a year. Seven percent of adult Ugandans encounter divorce or separation. “(Read more at https://www.hiil.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/HiiL-Uganda-Deep-Dive-Divorce-and-separation_Online.pdf)

Those are 370,000 times Cupid was a nuisance and went scot-free while you drowned in legal fees and re-ignite the pursuit of your own interests before the need to foster love became your worst instinct.  

I don’t hate love; I just hate that the determinant of my future human interactions is a baby with a history of criminal impulses.

Life After Rehab in Uganda as told by Mental xcursion

It starts off with a need for a quick fix , something to elevate your mind and live in the moment. It could be a smoke , drink or just a pill. What if that high not only costs you your future but also your life?

Mental xcursion is a self proclaimed spoken word prophet using his story of battling addiction to inspire others especially during this pandemic that has led to an increase in mental health issues across all ages and walks of life in Uganda.

Check him out on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/mentalxcursion//

I had the pleasure of having him as a guest on my podcast and I did ask him why he opted to go to rehab among other things. What started out as a scary decision opened doors for him to interact with fellow drug abusers which also included professors and doctors. He encourages everyone going through a tough situation to always reach out to their friends and family and talk about it.

If you are currently going through something and need someone to talk to, reach out to Clare A Muga. She is a psychologist with a Bachelors Degree in Community Psychology, currently pursuing a Master of Science in Clinical Psychology. https://www.facebook.com/ClareAMuga

Listen to this episode here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=187v1AOTHBU

Making it before 30 , a Ugandan millennial’s perspective

We’ve all heard the phrase from our mentors that , “you still have time” . But do we really ? Statistics from a recent online article said that the average 40 year old in the 1980s had their own house , family and car while 40 year old’s today are still renting or staying with their parents. The same can be said for majority of the youth in Uganda trying to make it.

With a population of over 40 million people and growing, Uganda’s employment rate was expected to reach 46.65 percent by the end of 2020. For one who’s not an economist like myself , statistics on rise in GDP or policy cuts in interest rate might not make sense. However these decisions do affect how or if you’ll make it before 30. From conversations with elders, you’ll find out that by 30 years, a man was expected by society to have left his parent’s house and started a life of his own. Today , a lot of 30 year old’s are still unemployed and barely servicing under the wings of their parents. The pandemic hasn’t made it any easy either.

With the older generation still taking up majority of senior positions and entry positions filled by a first class bachelor holder or relatives, the idea of making it by 30 does seem like a fairytale. However, I haven’t lost hope yet. The pandemic did come with it’s advantages that included a rise in opportunities to innovate, create and stay resilient. I personally jumped on that train and started working on my podcast editing techniques. Will I make it by 30, who knows?

I think a lot of the youth need to be given the opportunity to explore their inner creative from open creative work spaces to free internet to access to reading material during this pandemic if we are going to help sustain the Ugandan innovative eco-system. We also need to educate the older generation about investing in capital firms to keep supporting Uganda’s economy. Who knows , we might just build our own Silicon valley ?

How digital marketing is bridging the knowledge gap between the rich and poor during COVID 19 in Uganda

The Knowledge gap has continuously narrowed over the years in Uganda from announcements being spread by concubines of the king, analog communications such as radios to digital age where viral hashtags even define breaking news in the mainstream media being accessible to both the rich and poor. This can be attributed to the digital migration that happened in 2016.

While the effects of COVID 19 are still evident with a high rate of unemployment, it has encouraged innovation in sectors such as agriculture, water, housing, telecommunications and urban development backed by banks regardless of certain constraints in regulation among others. Any investment requires an adequate marketing budget backed with an effective marketing strategy to attain desired returns hence digital marketing being the most viable option while still observing Standard Operating Procedures by WHO.

Digital marketing involves the use of various channels such as the internet, social media, search engines, electronic devices (TVs, mobile phones, billboards), etc. to promote products or services.  With suspension of mass gatherings in Uganda in March from Churches and events , online concerts were taken up with examples by Steven Odeke in the New Vison at https://www.newvision.co.ug/news/1519157/online-normal-post-covid-19 as well as notable churches partnering up with media houses to spread the gospel.

While borders and transportation services were restricted by the president, e- commerce grew exponentially with brands partnering with telecommunication houses to bring their products and services closer to the consumers. With majority of staff working from home, offers from internet service providers came in handy for example Stay at home bundles from MTN. Some organizations went as far as skilling “omuntu wa wansi” on digital marketing skills such as social media to advertise their products and services a move that also saw a rise in jobs for delivery men and women in various sectors from delivery of documents between corporates to food from the local market at your door step.

The need to increase awareness about COVID 19 to the masses as well as ongoing political campaigns led to the utilization of billboards to both the rich in private cars to the manual laborer trying to make ends meet. Not to mention the constant SMS notifications from telecom providers on the need to follow SOPS.

The internet and social media channels have dominated information access during COVID 19 with a registered rise in internet subscribers to 21.6 million by first quarter of 2020. However, with restrictions such as social media tax and license fee by UCC for online content creators hence a further divide in timely and adequate distribution of information hence further drift in socioeconomic status regardless of other factors like poor network in remote areas, low income and education system that encourages white collar jobs despite the majority of Ugandans being heavily dependent on food to mouth jobs.

Digital marketing is here to stay, it is important for relevant authorities to research about principles that govern this budding form of marketing so that Ugandans can effectively compete on a global scale.

Episode 7: The fan

It was the first night with the boys ever since curfew time was extended from 7:00pm to 10:00pm and we were ready to get wasted. The year had started out with me having two sold-out concerts in the USA so being back in Africa amidst this pandemic was a blessing in disguise for friends that I hadn’t seen in a while since the celebrity lifestyle took over.  

All I had to do was pick up some of the best alcoholic drinks, head over to the rented house for the link-up and get the party started.

“2 bottles of Jack Daniel and 1 crazy cock should do just fine”, I said to myself as I drove away from the supermarket and followed GPS to the destination of the party.

The house which turned out to be a mansion as I drove closer was located in a widely secluded area though had tight security. I had to go through 3 stops before finally reaching a mahogany gate. The GPS said I had reached my destination and I could hear was some faint music in the background. I got out of my car, looked around, and proceeded to ring the bell when a familiar voice called out my name. I turned around and saw a 6ft male figure walk towards me and instantly recognized the person.

“Big-boned bobby… what’s good man? It’s been ages”, I said clearly excited to see my best friend from kindergarten. I nicknamed him Big-boned in primary because he always had meat with big bones for lunch something; I regretted when adolescence kicked in but the name had already stuck. Fortunately, he was too wealthy to care.

“If it isn’t Uganda’s greatest Deejay/singer of all time. Glad you’re still alive and congratulations on the sold-out shows. come inside”, He said.

“That’s what she said” I replied. And he signaled to the video monitor that I hadn’t noticed before. The gate suddenly opened and I drove inside with him in the front seat in a deep conversation. Just as I was getting out of the car, two men grabbed me from behind, took me inside the house and pinned my chest on the table.

“Say your last words mister”, one hoarse voice said.

“Your soul is ours now” another voice added.

I was surrounded by ably built men and I had no choice but to say it.

“I brought Jack Daniels and Coco”

I was immediately released and hugged; booze was always the passcode when you were held down by twins. They were successful heavy weight champions; no amount of copying Bruce lee movies could match their strength and tactics.

The evening went well for about 2 hours as I tried to catch up with what everyone had been up to during the quarantine, won some play station games until one of the guys got an anonymous call and put it on speaker.

There was a lady with a seductive voice on the other end that offered more free drinks and lots of ladies. I was still sober so I offered to drive the others in a vintage van to the new destination. We were 6 bachelors and one married man.

“monsieur celebrite.” A bosomy woman with a somewhat forced French accent came to greet us immediately we got out of the van and ushered us towards a well lit outdoor garden.

A woman with a petit figure walked over to introduce herself as soon as we walked into the garden and gave us a short tour of the property. 

She pulled me aside and showed me a backstage selfie with her and begged me to perform while she seductively danced around me the entire time. After 3 songs I made simple remarks about the party and walked over to the bar where this lady handed me a glass of fresh juice, little did I know that it was laced.

I felt hazy and she immediately offered a room but before I could give her a reply, one of my friends walked over to show me something on his phone. My latest single had just topped charts on a local station. The last words I remember saying were, “take me to a hospital” now before falling down unconscious.

I was never a heavy drinker and traveling required you to be as healthy as a horse if you wanted to stay sane throughout all the hustle and bustle of being a celebrity.

I woke up the next morning in a clinic with my friends playing poker on the floor.

My head pounded so hard like an ambulance trying to get way on a busy street.

“Yo what happened to me?”, I asked half consciously.

As Bonny recounted everything from how the doctors had found a lethal dosage of some sort of sleeping drug in my system and I would be in the other life if it wasn’t for my healthy body, I sat back in disbelief.

The woman who laced my drink was identified and arrested by the end of the week as well as charged. She claimed it was all a dare and was sentenced to 1 year in prison. All the other women at the party suddenly disappeared, deleted their numbers, and erased almost every online activity.

In the end, my friends and I were the ones that got blue ticked.

Episode 6: The female Nigerian celebrity

Prissy was a beautiful blond-haired woman with immensely plumped lips and a body that fascinated men so much so that she became a celebrity by constantly showcasing it on the internet in various lingerie. This attracted all types of guys but none ever really satisfied her taste until she met the south African influencer, Nzorebe.

Nzorebe was a self-proclaimed successful influencer from the central part of South Africa with an invisible type of attractiveness around him. He had recently gone continental with various brands across borders lining up for his exquisite services.

Prissy was introduced to Nzorebe via Skype at the beginning of quarantine for an American based brand looking to dominate the African online presence. With events put on hold, the contract was postponed to post Covid until then Prissy tried to maintain communication with her new found crush.

Nzorebe on the other hand was a happily married man with a child on the way but kept this information private. He constantly tried to evade Prissy’s advances but after a month, he said he had had enough and started ignoring her messages.

One fateful night was Nzorebe was having a social media detox, Prissy sent a preview of her picture in a new collection of nude unknown to her that it was Nzorebe’s wife going through his phone while they watched a movie and she was well aware of Prissy’s advances.

After a conversation with her husband, he let her send a photograph from their wedding over a year back.

Prissy felt her heart sink on seeing the picture and immediately blocked Nzorebe on all communication channels.

“na so dem fall my hand for here oh chei.”, She said to herself in anger and surprise.

Episode 5: The annoying lawyer

“So, you can’t even say hi anymore?”

A message from an unknown number popped up on my screen like a watchman finding you sneaking around in the night to a club.

My phone clock said 2:00am and made me wonder if it was an old nemesis I had long ghosted and forgotten about.

Alas it was an ex judging from the profile picture, he drove me to the edge by constantly asking about my whereabouts even if it was just from a rest room in his apartment with him in the room. Just like all men, he had his good side so the least I could do was reply lest he gets the virus and never gets his closure from me.

“Hi Fanky with an a” , he always insisted everyone texted him like that. Fortunately for him, he had got me in a good mood due to the insomnia. It was the third time in a week I was having trouble sleeping and the sheep were tired of being counted; hopefully Fanky could literally bore me to sleep.

“What are you doing? ”, He asked.

“ I’m just catching up on my school notes incase they lift the lock down soon”, I lied. I had just downloaded an erotic novel from Amazon and I was halfway through the introduction.

“ Oh cool, You know this lockdown got me thinking about people I wronged and I wanted to apologize for constantly annoying you. You didn’t deserve any of it”

“Chapter one… His tongue was long and soft and seemed to..” I had gotten lost in the book till the vibrations from my phone forced me to text back.

“Oh sure thing, not to sound rude but I was really into my notes here on binary”, last thing you want to tell a man you once dated in the wee hours of the morning is that you’re reading an erotic novel all alone.

“ I understand, hey you could ask me and I help. I know I did Law but I’m not so bad at literature. What’s this binary about?”

“I felt I was about to burst wide open. It was the strangest sensation, something went beyond simple sexual pleasure…”

I read my novel till morning and blocked his new number before i could black out.

Episode 4: The queer stuck in the wrong closet

Vike is a 6’0 (1.83 m)ft. tall dark-skinned broad man with perfect white teeth, full silken beard, deep blue eyes, curly blond hair and had just posted his picture on Snapchat with the caption “bored” when he got a new message alert.

“Hey Vike, I’m bored too. Wanna chat?”

The image on the user’s public picture was a cartoon character from the 90s but Vike was open to making new friends.

“Sure, what’s your name?”

“My name is not important, nice lips BTW. You’re such a hottie”

Vike couldn’t help but blush at the message, he always preferred personality over physical appearance. It still felt great hearing someone else say it.

“Thanks, what are you doing?”

“I’m about to take a shower, would you like to join me?”

Something about it felt wrong, so he tried inquiring more about the person behind the account. He had recently blocked a male stalker who kept taking pictures of him while in public and posting them. 

“Send me some pictures”, he replied provocatively.

It took a while before the person on the other end finally replied with a picture of a perfectly waxed, rich tanned muscular hind leg from someone of fair skin color.

Vike was taken aback so much that he almost dropped his phone. 

“I can’t believe this,” he said to himself while shaking his head.

“He just won’t leave me alone, let me teach him a lesson he will never forget” , he muttered to himself and went ahead to report the account.

It was his stalker, he had forgotten to hide the printed pictures of Vike buying a Rolex in the background. 

Episode 3: The hot female plug

Alex had just hit 10,000 followers on Twitter in the wee hours of the Sunday night and in a tweet, announced his availability for influencing gigs of all kinds. He is a 1st-year student at a public university on scholarship but still financially challenged. He was the firstborn and only boy in a family of 5 and also raised by a single mother. He wanted a better life for himself and his family. Twitter had opened doors for him that he never thought could happen and he was ready to exploit all opportunities to the fullest to prove his manhood.

Just as he was daydreaming about finally owning the latest Nike shoes from the last successful online campaign, a new message notification popped up on his screen. It was Sarah, a twitter user famous for being physically endowed and yearned for by the other male users.

He fumbled with his phone a bit before finally calming himself down enough to open the message. He sat upright, buttoned his shirt, and tapped his phone.

“Hi Alex”, the message read.

“Hi Sarah”, he tried to casually reply with a grin on his face. If he had known having many followers would make hot girls send him messages without him having to break a sweat, he would have done it sooner.

“Sorry for texting you so late, I’ve just seen your tweet about making 10k followers and personally wanted to congratulate you, dear. I know it wasn’t easy dear”, Sarah said.

He said to himself, “she just called me dear… as in me” and ran around in circles before typing, “Thanks, Sarah.”

“You’re welcome dear. I have a favor to ask if you don’t mind”

His happiness was short-lived as the word favor re-echoed in his mind. The only favor all girls ever want, according to him, was always monetary related.

He reluctantly replied, “go ahead” and held his breath longer than usual as she typed.

“Well, I work with a famous brand and wanted to add you as a last-minute influencer. Are you available?”

Alex could not believe his eyes; a hot girl was giving him money well not literally but he prayed to everything he believed in at that point in gratitude.

“Yes, I’m available. When can I start?” He replied with the grin back on his face and even wider.

“Get me your number and I send you the details”

He did as he was told and was added to a WhatsApp group.

“When are we getting paid” , One message read.

“It’s been a week already and we haven’t gotten anything yet, where is Sarah?”, Another message read.

At this point in time, Alex asked himself, what would Shanita Namuyimbwa a.k.a bad black do?

He then sent a message to Sarah on Twitter and asked if she was involved with anyone to which she replied with, “yes, I’m happily married with 2 kids and one on the way” as she went ahead to send him pictures of her husband.

It’s at this moment that he realized his worth and blocked Sarah on all social media platforms and even got a new sim card the next day.

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